How To Ask Someone If They're Okay And What To Do Next

Mental Health AwarenessCommunity Wellbeing
Written By Rachel Williams

R U OK Day lands on Thursday the 10th of September this year, and most of us already know the question.   Fewer of us feel confident about what comes after it.   Asking someone if they are okay is the easy part.   Knowing what to say when they actually tell you no is where people tend to freeze.

Why the question is worth the awkwardness

Research from R U OK? found that one in four people hesitate to ask, even when they already suspect something is wrong.   The same research found that nine in ten people who were asked reported feeling grateful, cared about and supported (R U OK?, 2026).   That gap between our hesitation and their relief is worth sitting with for a moment.   The person you are worried about is very unlikely to be offended that you noticed.

A short, genuine conversation does not need to fix anything.   It just needs to let someone know they are not carrying it alone.

What to look for before you ask

You do not need a clinical eye to notice when someone is struggling.   Small, sustained changes are usually the clearest sign, more than any single bad day.

  • Withdrawing from friends, family or activities they usually enjoy

  • Changes in sleep, appetite or energy that last more than a week or two

  • Seeming flat, irritable or unusually on edge

  • Talking about themselves as a burden, or making comments about not coping

  • Increased use of alcohol or other substances to get through the day

What to actually say

Beyond Blue recommends a simple approach built around three steps, ask, listen and support (Beyond Blue, 2026).   The asking part works better when it is specific rather than general.   Instead of a passing ‘you good?’, try naming what you have noticed.

You could say something like, ‘I've noticed you've been a bit quiet lately, is everything alright?’.   It feels more direct than a script, and it shows you have actually been paying attention.   There is no perfect wording.   Showing up with genuine curiosity matters far more than getting the phrasing right.

If they say they are not okay

This is the moment most people worry about most, and it is usually simpler than it feels.   You are not there to solve the problem.   You are there to listen properly and stay steady while they talk.

  • Let them speak without jumping in to fix or minimise what they're feeling

  • Reflect back what you're hearing, for example ‘that sounds really exhausting’

  • Avoid comparing their situation to someone else's or offering quick advice

  • Ask what kind of support would actually help, rather than assuming

  • If you're worried about their immediate safety, stay with them and call 000

If they say they are fine, but you are not convinced

Plenty of people answer fine out of habit, or because they are not ready to talk yet.   That is completely normal, and it does not mean the conversation failed.   You can gently mention why you asked, for example that you've seemed a bit different lately.   If they still do not want to open up, let them know the door stays open.   A short follow up message a few days later often means more than people expect.

Some people who seem to be coping well are quietly managing anxiety, burnout or the lingering effects of a difficult experience largely on their own.   A conversation like this is often the first step, but it is rarely the whole solution.   At Valentia Health in Taringa, our team works with adults, teens, children and families who are working through exactly this kind of thing, in person or by telehealth across Australia.

When it might be time for professional support

Checking in is powerful, but it has its limits, and that is okay.   If someone's low mood, anxiety or stress has lasted more than a couple of weeks, or is affecting their work, relationships or daily functioning, a conversation with a GP is a sensible next step.   A GP can arrange a Mental Health Care Plan, which allows for Medicare rebated sessions with a psychologist.

This applies just as much to the person doing the asking.   Supporting someone else can be genuinely draining, particularly if you are also managing your own stress, burnout or grief.   You deserve support too, not just the person you are checking in on.

A conversation worth having, on the day and every other day

R U OK Day gives people a reason and a reminder, but the real value is in the follow up conversations that happen quietly through the rest of the year.   You do not need special training to ask someone if they are okay.   You just need to be willing to listen to the answer, whatever it turns out to be.

If you or someone you care about could use extra support beyond a conversation, Valentia Health offers therapy for anxiety, depression, burnout, trauma and more, with both in person appointments in Taringa and telehealth for clients anywhere in Australia.   You can find out more or book an appointment at valentiahealth.com.au.

References

This post is for general informational purposes and is not a substitute for professional psychological advice. If you are in crisis, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or call 000.

Rachel Williams
Previous

More young Australian women are turning to therapy, and that is a good thing
Next

Not everyone who goes through something traumatic develops PTSD